Stirred

I spent most of 2018 fighting with God.

         The last few years have been tough for me. A string of failures and disappointments, with a few high achievements and miracles, sprinkled here and there. It was like the more that I conquered, the more that was thrown at me. I couldn't win for losing.

2017 left me with one accomplishment that humbled me and made me glorify God. It was huge. It was long awaited by my family, friends and even more by me. I couldn't I can't even take full pride and say, "YES!! I did that!" Nope, it's more like, "If not for God... hmmmm!" I expected, after a huge accomplishment, I would hit the ground running. I would have open doors. But as 2018 started trickling in, so did the challenges.

I started 2018 with pain, anger, and hatred.

I was in love. Though like every relationship, there were challenges, I had so much hope for the future. In us. I knew we could make it. We could beat anything.

By January 7th, 2018 I received a word from God. This would be your best year yet. The mountains that have disturbed you for so long will be lifted. But I was also warned, Don't fight with anyone. Do not be angry. Walk in love.

I was laughing hysterically as the tears fiercely rolled down my face. The fury in my heart, you could see in my eyes. My brother patted my back as my mom wondered and asked how I could be so disturbed by such good news.

I know I'm not perfect, but damn! It was like all my hard work would never amount to anything. My world was crashing. The goals, the dreams I set for myself, for some very unforeseen circumstances, they just couldn't be. They didn't look like they wanted to be. And God was just watching.

I was convinced. He forgot about me. One thing was for sure, God in His infinite mercy, with His Almighty Power, He chose to do nothing. Everyone was moving forward and making moves and all my hard work amounted to zilch. zero. nada. nothing.

I counted the years of stagnation. The end of a relationship. My place in my family. What value did I add to them? Life had no meaning. I was just here. I was angry. I was hurt. I lost hope.

 I was very frustrated with my job. I worked only because if I didn't, who would provide for my child? I'm the oldest, yet I felt like the least. Suffering and Smiling...? Nah bruh, everyone could see I was unhappy.

Why be hopeful and get excited when more challenges will come and add bricks to my heavy burden?

In my depression, my loved ones, my elite ones, (I dey hail una!), my one of a kind family and best friends that have become family, they encouraged me. They prayed for me. They dragged me out the house. They took Gee and I out just to put a smile on my face. They watched Gee so I could rest. They preached. Oh my goodness they preached! LOL, They reminded me gospel music is still amazing.

And then it happened.

Very suddenly, my childhood friend left me. Very abruptly, my dear friend passed away. And things started to become clear. In my pain, I remembered God does no evil. In the event of our mourning, it was evident my dear friend had his own struggles, much greater than my own. But he never let them stop him from praising God. Despite goals deferred, he didn't feel forsaken. Despite his personal pains, he didn't yell at God. Instead, he worshipped more.

Despite my added pain, I remembered that God knows better than me. If He does no evil, if He has infinite wisdom, even in the trying times He is good

Here I was without hope and ready to give up my faith. On the other hand, my beloved friend decided to pursue God! Not to ask for more, not to fight with Him or question Him, but to simply worship Him. In his death, he gave me the most valuable gift. The encouragement I needed to hold on. He came, he loved, and he worshipped. His death renewed my faith in Christ. It ended my struggle with God.

Close to his death, I was fairing better... best believe I picked my head up real real quick afterward. I started counting each breath as a blessing instead of a curse. I made an extra effort to be there for my loved ones. Not because I was just “around” but because I wanted them to know I love them. They mean the world to me. I cherished their presence and hoped mine made their days that much better.

And Gee, oh my Geeeeee!!! Instead of friends encouraging me out the house, I did more actively to make his days memorable. How much does an adult remember from being a toddler? I don’t know! But I know my radiating joy would nurture a better environment for him, it would nurture joy in him.

Fresh Start 

Here I am in January again. A whole 365 days, and I’m smiling! I’m not where I want to be, but I see and I believe I’m well on my way! It’s mind-blowing!

I remember the pain. I remember making the calls to my best friends the 5th of January while crying on the bathroom floor (it’s always the bathroom isn’t it? Lol) I remember the fear of how I would cope with my child! What would my career options be?! I remember the day I thought my world crashed... instead, it was just blooming. I did far far faaarrr more than I thought I could! I endured. I persevered. I utilized strength I didn’t know I had. I traveled outside the country for the first time in 4 years (which is fawking long for me 😩😩😩)! I spoiled my son. We went on many adventures 🦕🦖 and laughed many laughs! Ha!

I can see the person who hurt me most and dance, smile and laugh... (although in my mind, I’m laughing at him 😏). I can hold my head up high amongst my peers. I may not have as much, done as much as some of them buh baby! I have that once lost confidence.

If I did anything in 2018, I definitely learned to love me even a wee bit more 🌺💐🌸

Alas with that being said, I pray this new year will bring us joy, peace, and the favor of God that will open beautifully surprising doors. I hope we achieve more, become more, laugh more, live more, and learn more, and of course, serve more honest tea.