Just Cheat

So at this point, I've spoken to a bestie and a confidant. I've written a paragraph and half text to the chief offender. I've binged watched two episodes of my latest favorite Netflix show, Cable Girls. I have taken a nap... and now I'm here.

Sipping my Zinfandel, imagining I'm in some sexy lingerie and writing to you... despite my desire to be bougie while angry, I'm in my pajamas bruh. A very old pair of leggings, a tank top, and mismatched pink socks. (yes, details are good for you). And I'm hoping, writing to you will be the end of it all.

Sometimes, unfortunately for me, things happen a few times before I put a stop to it. I give people the benefit of the doubt, I may even blame myself, whatever. I just kind of hope people will catch on. Well, let us all raise hands if we know that they don't always do.

I found myself in another, unauthorized therapy session for angry women... only I wasn't one of the angry. Irony right? Well, a little leaven.... 🤷🏾‍♀️ you know the rest. As they vented and shared their anger and pain, she looked at me and said, "Ola, all your ex did was cheat!" And. That. Was. It.

The fire began to rise behind me. The pain and anger rode a tsunami wave to the forefront. At the top of my lungs, I began yelling and explaining. Please add the profanity, not minding the children in the house because they weren't Gee (even if they were... I'm not sure I would have controlled myself much better honestly). 
To explain (how foolish of me right?) how our situations were not the same, after all, I did not a build home with this man. I did not have a beautiful beginning of a relationship. All I had was deceit, and the stupid decisions I made based on Full Love and Low Self-Esteem.

I now laugh in Chinese at the thought of it.

Oh, I was so in love! Only for it to end in a screeching halt and realize it was all a lie. Waking up into a nightmare, baring myself in front of my entire family, overcoming the shame and the depression of it all. From fine to angry, to enraged to depressed, to just being okay and happy again. You knew everything I went through and you summed it all up with, all he did was just cheat. All men cheat.

Allow me to laugh a little? It's comical. When I was in this relationshit, one of the women dared to even intervene and mediate between my mother and I. Oh Chile, we fought. I couldn’t see anything but love. I couldn’t understand anything but love. They tried to help me reason. Buh now, now you’re reasoning is all men are the same? We’re all suffering under some kind of abuse?

I wasn't strong enough then. I am now. I did my thing! I am taking care of me and Gee. I am standing in a better place financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. But you decided to belittle me now? Second guess my decision to better myself, which will ultimately better my child? You just normalized me leaving an abusive relationshit. In doing such, you glorify his mistakes and stupidity as youthful exuberance and incorrectly highlight me leaving him. Because all men cheat! Meaning I don’t deserve better... I won’t get better. Because they are all the same. I laugh again!

But my dear, let's examine some things. Shall we? Why did I feel the need to explain myself? Why did I have to explain my pain? It made me feel like I was defending why I was a victim... Sort of like a pity party, like woe is me... Why? Why was this worth my time? Why didn't I get up and just leave?
I think it's because I expected her to understand. Big mistake. People don't always do. I was extremely hurt that in your mind, his irrational behaviors that caused soo much pain all around, that you had front row seats to, was suddenly no big deal. Well, hopefully, one day I can move past all of this and see it as no big deal too 🤷🏾‍♀️

But wait! It gets better... in my fit of rage and them trying to calm me down and continue a normal discussion.... someone mentions, “but what if God has destined you two to be together?” At this point I just want to know why are you humans so wicked?! 🤯🤬 KAI! You mean you’re reasoning is that God, a whole God in His infinite mercy that is renewed every day, will look arooouuuuunnnnddddd! Look at all His fine, fine specimen of men. Men with big wallets. Men with big hearts. Men with great careers. Men with dreams that align my own and the tenacity to pursue them..... He will look round faaaaaa and say, No! You Ola! Go back to the man that hurt you. 🤭

You people are wicked oohhh!!!!!! Cheeeee! Issa good thing say, man no be God. You for keep person for abusive relationshit to abusive marriage. Born plenty pekin inside am and be unhappy forever. 🙃😖😫
Excuse me as I refill my glass of wine and down it slowly...

Alas, as I like to leave the very last drop of tea, filled with honey.... the whole unnecessary conversation left me hurt but proud of my standing decision. Good riddance to bad rubbish! I don’t regret leaving. I don’t care if all men cheat. I wish I left sooner. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Be kind, Speak ya mind!!! As in any great cafe, your feedback is always appreciated!