In Chronicles Rehab


I'm pretty sure, it was the end of the school day when the discussion started. I can't even remember how or why it started but I was sitting there chilling with my homies, Braxton and Francis. Somehow, the topic of who do Francis and I like came up.... It seemed harmless, until the three of us realized that Francis and I were interested in the same guy. 
Next I knew, was Braxton, the only guy in the convo, was asking what we were gonna do about it. 
A decision has to be made?!
I was nervous as heck! Where was this conversation going?! Francis said she was keeping shut and I was all like Ion Eveennn Know. Francis was sure as fate she was not gonna act on it but unfortunately, due to my indecision/lack of response Braxton decided that Fred, the subject of our grammar school affection, had to know. 
Mayne, the only thing I was sure of was that it was time for me to go Home!  What would happen if he found out and said no, yes, maybe so?! What would he say? How would I react! 
Well one thing about Ola is that she is quite curious... even at that young age. So my game plan was to let Braxton drop the bomb and depending on Fred's response, I'd either play it off or begin keeping a big secret from Mom & Pops!
Whaaa? Having a boyfriend seemed cool even at that age. I wasn't sure of what we'd do, but I mean one of the coolest, friendliest, piece of humble pie would have his attention on me. 
I'd be serving girls in the 4th grade Jealous Tea Every Day!
It seemed like a great plan.
Emphasis on seemed.
Somehow, the next morning, news of my crush spread like wildfire. I didn't understand how or why the information spread that fast then but a guy curious about who ya digging on for no apparent reason was later added to my list of red flags. 
People came from left, right, and center to confirm the gist with me. After a few honest replies, I began to lie, Lie, LIE when I realized the magnitude of this seemingly harmless crush.
Boy did I initially underestimate the entire situation.
By the time recess hit, I was covered and buried in embarrassment. Fred was actually my good friend and I was afraid of how he would perceive me by now. If people were coming to me what was actually being said to him? Whorraheck could be happening? 
Curiosity once again uppercut me.
I had to find out. I concluded the most sensible thing would be to approach the guy myself and try and discuss the extravagantly awkward situation before the end of recess. 
-Cue the Violins-
The time had come to finally approach Fred in the grass not far from the playground. I summoned up every ounce of courage within me as I walked over to where he was. See, I had never even stated I liked-liked a guy talk less of approach him on it. Frightened was an understatement. 
-Le Sigh-
From a distance, I could see Fred was furious. He was fuming and an audience was forming! My heart began to race. How many people have approached him? What is really happening? Could he be yelling about me?!
As I got closer, his words became audible.
"No! I don't like Ola! I can't stand Ola! She's..this.. and she's...that.."
My heart seemed to relocate to my throat. All I could hear was his rage and my decelerating heartbeat. My mind was blank. Could my affection have been such a grandeur crime? Wasn't he my friend yesterday before all of this? How could I become all these hideous things he now used to describe my appearance and  character.
My feet finally stopped moving and our peers decided to back up a bit surprisingly. *scoffs*They had been such an interactive audience up until this point! Why leave at the grand finale! SMH
"I just wanted to know what you heard and tell you..." I managed to muster out.
Furious and Frustrated Fred could not let a girl get a complete sentence out.
"No! Like I've said a million times, I can't stand you!
You look like...
and you are...."
Yea the exact words thrown at me like spears have been suppressed for years now. I aint ready to pull em out either.
I was done after that.
There was no point in trying to explain how I had feelings but truly no ambitions.
I just hung my head in shame and walked away. There still remained a few more hours in the school day and I couldn't spend it crying.
I was very sure I lost a friend and got my first rejection.
I wasn't as cute as this lil baby here, buh I was a sad sad lil black guh that day.
Iono, for some of you this may seem absurd, ridiculous or even laughable, but mayne, I was hurt. He eventually moved, thank God, and I haven't seen him in years. But mayne that ordeal left a pain so bad that I have him on my blocklist on facebook.
What you have just read was my first real taste of rejection which left a nice foundation of fear in me. After that experience I learned to expose myself to the least amount of rejection ever possible. Iono maybe because it was such an impressionable age, but that lil seed of rejection grew into a forest of fear. I mean to this day, I would rather not tell you about a get together I'm having if there's a 50/50 percent chance you'll say yes. I don't care who you are!
Ask my parents and closest friends, do not tell me NO! It brings out the worst in me. I get so defensive and if it's in the dating arena, be very sure that whole "let's be friends anyway" garbage will guarantee that I will despise you for a time frame. 
Buhh, I'm telling you all too much about my life right now.
There were a few circumstances, where I was overtly bold and did open myself up for rejection where dating is concerned... Oh did I learn some lessons.
 Anyway, it's on my 2013 to-do list to nip this thang in the bud. I'm using the fact that I'm in new territory to my advantage and opening myself up to scenarios where I'm told no. For instance, asking to review and/or hang out with others. I'd usually patiently wait until I'm asked or study on my own. Adding people to Honest Tea's FB Page... Sounds silly, but this is a big deal to me. I was talked into finally creating the page. I was too scurred to initiate it on my own... what if no one follows...? But you will won't you J
and a few other things as well.
Every lil thing I can do to say
Sayonara Fear!
It aint easy mayne
but a babe is trying hard!

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