In Purple Ink

Kedash Duex

     I love to travel. There's something about looking down at great cities, and gazing at the clouds that reminds me of God's awesomeness and the frailty of this gift of life. On one of my recent trips, I was traveling with 3 too many over weight bags, my two heavy carry ons, and a lot of fear.


     It wasn't the turbulence that made me so fearful, or the dread of hauling my luggage but fear of what a new chapter in my life would bring. It sounds ironic doesn't it? Everyone hears new chapter and thinks of new exciting adventures... Well with a lot of those new adventures, tasks, and blessings comes a lot of responsibility. I wasn't sure if I could handle it all. This trip was me finally acting on a big decision. The action nor decision was based on emotions or money or the potential of opportunity but a simple instruction from God. Yet I was still afraid of all the possible things that could go wrong. More than that, I doubted God. 
         
     A few weeks before this, a friend sent me a devotional in the middle of class. It's funny how things work because she just felt like I needed to read this. Boy was she right. Right then I was in a storm of thoughts, confusion and sadness but the devotional spoke specifically to everything about me. I have held onto it since then and often refer back to it. 
      
     I found the entire devotional extremely powerful but for length's sake, I'll share only a little here. It starts off by discussing how God makes promises and reveals plans but because of what we see we begin to doubt God and fear sets in. Sharon Jaynes, the author, illustrates this with the Israelites in Kadesh-Barnea when the 12 spies were sent into Canaan and came back with reports of bad news when God already declared their victory...

"Guess who the people believed? They believed the ten who said, 'we can’t,' rather than the two who said, 'God already has.' Why? Lack of faith and an abundance of fear. I have an acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. They saw only the giants, but failed to see Almighty God. God had already given them the land, the people simply needed to walk in and take possession of it. But instead of moving into the Promised Land, they wandered in the desert for forty years because of their unbelief. The entire generation, except for Caleb and Joshua, died in their unbelief. Caleb and Joshua marched in and took possession of what God had already promised and provided.
Oswald Chambers notes, 'Human frailty is another thing that gets between God’s words of assurance and our own words and thoughts. When we realize how feeble we are in facing difficulties, the difficulties become like giants, we become like grasshoppers, and God seems to be non-existent. But remember God’s assurance to us – 'I will never…forsake you.'  Have we learned to sing after hearing God’s keynote?  Are we continually filled with enough courage to say, ‘The Lord is my Helper,’ or are we yielding to fear?' 
I don't want to be like those Israelites who didn't believe God told the truth. Do you? Are you going to move into the land flowing with milk and honey - or are you going believe the evil report and continue wandering around in the desert- free from slavery but missing the Promised Land?"
    
     Talk about speaking to my heart. This one definitely did. This year of Kadesh has definitely been a year of testing my faith. I have heard literally all kinds of different reports for almost every aspect of my life... good and bad. I have been given a whole lot of advice too. More than that, I have been chatting and discussing with God more now than I have ever done in my life. Sometimes, things just appear frightening. My walk of holiness has definitely not been what I expected to be. I thought it was just about sex, which in itself is a huge struggle. I am learning it is about so much more. 
  
     It's funny how something that happened so very long ago can still be so relevant in today's world! I used to wonder like, whhhyyyy God? Ah ah! An 11 day trip took 40 years! Dang that is tough! I mean how many times do you have to walk past that tree with the family of goats living next to it and a family of lambs down the stream before you realize you have been in the same place?! What really is the essence? And then He turned on the light which makes the title of this post extremely appropriate. 
   
     Somehow, (I'm laughing as I'm writing this because it is beautifully funny... yes you care) I have found myself in 2012 relieving major parts of 2011! How did this happen?! LOL I am literally going through many of the same circumstances I went through last year. I guess I have to get it right before I move on, just like the Israelites. I have to confess that this time around I am a lot more patient and calm. I am a fighter and I surely put in a good fight last year... did things my own stubborn & selfish way. A lot like the Israelites. Now, I am learning to be gentle! Dare I even say I am gentle! It also made me understand why the Israelites were made to wander. They couldn't obtain the promise with their old mind sets or else they would have destroyed the beautiful gift they were given. Same way, Ola must grow up and learn to handle things His way instead of hers.
   
     Ahhh, this is actually a pretty emotional writing for me. I mean it has been a spectacular year. I am truly seeing "beauty in my battle scars" and learning to truly rely on God. Despite all that I physically see and hear I have become better at taking leaps of faith. Even when they outright make me seem foolish before everyone else. Apart from fearing embarrassment, sometimes for a second time, and its friends failure, rejection disappointment, I constantly have to remind myself that Jesus loves me. It sounds so cliche but remembering that Jesus cares more about me more than I care about myself tells me that even though I don't fully understand or see it, He has a plan. Even so He believes I am capable of bearing any responsibility He has placed on me. That means I am the babe for the job. I really can accomplish what He asks of me if I rely on Him. So really, there is no need to be so scurred or doubt myself.
    
     Sorry this post is so long, but hey its necessary. It is a must I write to remind myself the importance of what I have learned and hopefully it can and will bless someone else. Yep, my pursuit of Kadesh, Holiness, open for the world to see. To see that holiness aint all about sex. It's a lifestyle that isn't always fun but is educational and surely worth it. It has taught me to rely on God and enjoy it more than I EVER IMAGINED! Oh and Kadesh has taught me some other thangs too:
1. Shut Up! Stop complaining. God cares and is at work; even when you don't see it.
2. CALLATE!! Not everyone listening cares or is your friend. Some people are in your life to merely spectate. So give em a show! Create and maintain suspense.
3. Sharraapppp!!! Things are never as bad as they seem.

So uhm, yea mayne. That's it. I'm grateful for the testimony at work and even more grateful that I'm over the fear and doubt. I may seem a lil cray cray now, I'm still on my way, buhh once I get there... Ara mbe. Wonders are waiting to happen!
 Stay Tuned...

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1 sentiments:

  1. Thanks for this ola... I much needed reminder...

    ReplyDelete

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:)
Ola