In Rehab

You Pious B¥@$#!

Recently, as always.... I had some interesting convos. One was with the kid bro, 2 years some months my jr. 
My bro and I are close.... 
When things get tough, we run to each other first. No matter what the circumstance may be. When we were younger, we'd regularly have secret meetings and discuss school things, chores ma gave us that we thought were ridiculous, and of course laugh at dad for his awkward sense of humor. We never made decisions about anything unless we were on the same page. 
Welp, we're grown now and thangs have changed a bit as you can imagine. We still hit each other up 1st when something serious is in the air, but we don't talk. Our communication is down to zilch unless something extreme happens on either of our ends.
Lately, I've been working on general communication issues on my end but dang I couldn't get through to the brah. As always, I voice my concerns and asked what gives?! We conversed and a lot of things came out. It was a really healthy and much needed convo but there was one thing he said that seemed to hit me like a branding iron....
"You're always preaching to me...." 
Lil Bro Say Whhaaaaa?!

I never knew he felt like that but I could see where he was coming from 100%. He's my kid bro. We don't talk about nada until one of us is in fire. In my attempts to reach out to him and tell him to behave I bring up the one thing I know is common between us, The Bible.

At the end of that convo we actually were able to learn more about each other and recognize individual things we need to work on.

But Ola being Ola, she got curious. How many other people feel that way about me? Is this some thing I generally need to work on? So Ola, against her better judgment asks 3 people with different backgrounds if she comes off "holier than thou/always preaching." And the survey says:

Yes- you're obsessed

Yes- recently you have

Yes- the church thing is a lot

Well dang

I majored in psych in undergrad so I knew to ask people w diff backgrounds who have known me for some time. Receiving very similar responses showed me something. Momma always told me if diff people conclude the same thing about a person, the issue isn't with the people, it's with the person.

*dont hand me any tissues yet, I didn't cry here*
Pretty much, in my head, it was safe to conclude that something aint right.
So I did a lil follow up with my research participants and asked why they thought so. One response included a very good point. Earlier that day I revealed my celibacy time frame and my friend was like whaaaa? I thought you were further along. I mean you push Jesus soo much, well since I've known you and I thought that would be apart of the package. And you make it seem like you've been celibate for forever.
Well then,
*and then the water works kicked in*
1st off, it surely does feel like forever
that was some truth that made me think.
Has Jesus been coming more out of my mouth than in my actions?
Am I something like a Pharisee, always spitting the Word but my fruits depict I'm up on some other...?
One thing was surely for sure, I was thinking too much.
Contemplating, analyzing, interpreting other peoples' opinions of me goes far against my recent #YOLO movement. 
But there was some thoughts that were not irrational. 
Some days later I had my playlist just pulling anything from my library and Background by Lecrae ft Andy Mineo came on. It was like clarity hit me with a ton of bricks!!
Let me not be carried away or get ahead of myself. There's nothing wrong with taking a backseat and thinking on things a little longer. It's rarely a bad idea.
Besides, how long was it really since I last visited a club and twerked it out? Even my mom teases me, almost every day, and reminds me of the days when I would run out on random errands.... LOL! I was fooling no one. My momma knew what I was up to.
I was running around alright...
Yea, things are different now. I am different now. It's just past thangs tryna speak out for me. 
My sample size, the number of people I asked, was definitely too small. So with a new breeze of air, I asked a few more people and went back and read other comments. 
I was tripping... there were confounding variables in my data. Someone actually said no! The additional people I asked confirmed that I was tripping and stated that the way I relate with each person definitely affects things. 
So see, one can't do a valid poll on something so ambiguous! 
but hey, it was good to check myself. Maybe I need to play the background and chill a bit.
Relate more openly with people on the same page with me and let my actions speak to the rest.... What's most important is that I'm obedient and submissive to the King. It's never always easy, but I gotta give it my best shot.
As for you, I gotta open this diary and let you view this world through my eyes via this Honest Tea. 
One Hunnit
As hip people say these days.
Hopefully LOL hopefully, I won't scare ya all away. 
I mean like now, like right now, I'm really in a good mood. I can keep on writing. 
Rehab has definitely been a heck of a experience this year!
Oh the many things I'm learning and sharing!
Especially the sharing part. Sometimes, I can't believe it myself...
Wait til you hear about why 
Ola Blessed is soo thirsty!
Mhmm, on second thought
May have to find a way to block the Ma & Pops from reading that one...

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