In Rehab


I would say, 80% of my life I've spent living for other people....
It started off with just getting A's and being respectful to make my parents proud. Then it grew to trying to fit in with friends. High school came and I found my niche and friends that accepted me but they expected me to be out a lil later than my parents would allow or drive on highways my parents never let me drive on... 

Next was college. Ma & pops were no longer watching me and I could get away with a bit more, but then my peers, members of different organizations, church, *guy friends,* siblings, family members (and so many more it felt like...) 
and they all,
and I mean everyone,
had/have various expectations of me.
That's not to say everyone expected good out of me either. Nor is it to say that I was pushed to drugs or anything crazy. I wasn't into that.
I won't lie though. Here and there I would be a hot ratchet mess; I did twist, whine, and grind my butt off in clubs and being a light weight rarely stopped me from taking shots of vodka simply because "I felt like it." I think the height of that was 2010. Yet, somehow I grew accustomed to proving everyone right or wrong.
I would tell myself, 
"Ola, it's time to show him/her/these people. They will recognize and know not to underestimate me."
this of course in an extremely razz (which stands for African type of ghetto) tone.
This statement very much depicts my mindset for 2011. The only person I couldn't stand to show was my momma! lbs

I've known my ambition was fueled majorly off of this for a while now but two days ago it hit me. I had two unexpected conversations. In one of 'em I flat out said, "I'm tired of proving people wrong..." I didn't even know where the statement came from but I meant it sooo wholeheartedly!

It's 2012 now. Like I often tell my diary when I'm behind on writings, a lot has happened. My life has changed much. I am definitely doing more for me, but part of me still holds on.
Eight months have passed and yet the voices of those who told me "I wasn't good enough, they expected better, I'm just a kid, and do you know who you are...?"
are still ringing in my ears.
I can't remember the convo we were having but a friend told me, "do all things as unto the Lord." It seemed so small, but I felt compelled to write it out and put it on my wall.
And whatever you do [no matter what it is] in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in [dependence upon] His Person, giving praise to God the Father through Him.
Now reviewing things, it makes perfect sense. Thank God for those moments where we just can not take anymore. Now, nothing matters more than YOLO
We've all got this one life to live and if we do it based on conditions and expectations we can not control, what happens when those conditions fail us? What happens when there's no reward for meeting those expectations? What if... no one actually cares? We would all just go around acting out. At least, that is what I have observed. 
Like toddlers who have been denied their favorite candy, when things do not go the way we desire, we turn on God, parents, friends, family, vows, and just do what we want, selfishly need, or feel like... regardless of who may be hurt and forgetting that God is not mocked; what a man sows, he will also reap.
So for the very first time in my life... I am not waiting for apologies, a hand clap, a guy calling me back, or peoples' flabbergasted expressions when I beat their expectations, or disappointed faces when I fall short.
Ola Blessed is done. 
And alas, something ratchet has benefited my life. J
You Only Live Once... so live it solely pleasing unto God. It's much easier that way.

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1 sentiments:

  1. This is deep ola! More grace to you sis. And of course YOLO!


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